Male fantasy

I’m not shy about admitting it: I don’t get why Five Guys Famous Burgers and Fries attracted enough business to expand in the DC area, let alone wander clear over to Hoosier country.

But they’ve been flipping burgers and making fries here on Indianapolis’ south side for more than a year now, so my opinion isn’t the majority one. My husband was dying to go there the other night, and I agreed because I suddenly had visions of those wonderful, salted-in-the-shell peanuts dancing in my head.

And that’s when I stumbled onto Five Guys‘ secret: I was one of only three females in the place.

Next to us sat a table of three junior executives still in their suits with ties thrown over their shoulders. The solo diner next to us was a white-haired gentleman lost in his own burger world. Even the family that came in after we ordered had three boys sitting around grabbing fries off each other’s plates.

It’s definitely designed to appeal to the male psyche: burgers that aren’t especially juicy but are loaded down with toppings that squirt out the back end of the bun, and French fries that are mostly steak fries in thickness and not exactly crispy. (According to the sign at the register, our potatoes that day came from Griggs, Idaho. I’m befuddled as to how that is important.)

In other words, it’s a glorious grease-fest at prices only men would think are good. Face it, we women know that $3.89 for a single, dried-out cheeseburger is not a deal to brag about. Not to mention a small fry costs $2.49, although they are large enough you can split the order and not go hungry.  And heck, everyone charges $1.79 for soft drinks these days, which is why we’ve all taken revenge by filling our cups to the brim on the way out whether we intend to drink it or not.

A more delicate image

Which brings me to why I have charges from Five Guys on my MasterCard in the first place. They don’t charge for peanuts. They simply have a big box of them at the front door, where you scoop up what you want. My husband claims there are signs saying you can’t load up on this little snack to take home, but I read all of them that night and never saw that commandment. (I did read the warning that this premise contains peanuts, however. To make sure you didn’t miss it at the door, they also tacked it right over the stash where if you were deadly allergic, it would be far too late to save your life.)

So I did the girl thing and loaded my sack with these protein puppies to take home and turn into a lunch the next day — something that would no more occur to my husband than spritzing himself with my Flower by Kenzo perfume on the way out the door. Between the two options, I’ll bet the employees at Five Guys would choose the peanuts, too.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries

7815 US 31 South

Indianapolis, IN 46227

(317) 881-0562

Photography: Julie Sturgeon, tomayta